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From Flowers to Fruits

When I was little, the boys bragged who's father was the strongest. One boy could say: "If my father punches your father he will fly away".  The answer was: "My father is a former paratrooper, he is not shy, he can knock your father out.''

In reality it meant that children were beaten by their fathers. However none of us knew or heard about domestic violation.

Nowadays the situation is different. Children are the flowers of our lives. If you are the father, forget about the power toward your children. Be very cautious with punishment because your neibour can see and hear everything and can call to police. Your child disobeys and you want to kick on the ass. It will be the worst thing you can do. Your neibeour is just waiting for your big mistake. Kick your son or daughter on the ass and it will be the act of aggression, aggressive parenting.

Let's deal with it.

I did some research and found that the term aggression comes from the Latin words ad- and gradi-, which mean "to step at". It means, first, "to address to someone for advice or recommendation". Second, it means "to go against" or "to act with intention to hurt". In any case it means the contact. The opposite to aggression is not friendship or respect but the absence of contact.

Does a father become aggressive in his intention to punish the child? You can say YES because there is always non-violent alternative. But let's dig dipper. Our natural environment is aggressive. It demands aggressive actions. The evolution of animals is based on aggression. If you are a fan of footbal team you wish the players will be more aggressive on the playground. If you want to hire the lawyer you want that he will be aggressive in the court room.  

Aggression is not bad or good. It just exist.

By the way: after a child is born he or she is aggressive, he/she moves by the hands and demands food. Activity and aggression are synonyms during the first months of human's life.

As a father with 15 years experience I would ask other parents: what are your parenting tools when your child does something wrong? The most advanced pedagogues recommend explaining with love. I practiced it also. It looked like you want to explain what was wrong. Instead you hear excuses and a pack of lies. You try to explain again. Then you have crying child. Then your child goes into hysterics. You wasted time and strength. 

My approach is different now. 

I invite my son into the room. I invite him to the centre of the room. We need space for education. I say "You were wrong, my dear son. Come closer to me. I want to show you what father's love is." My arguments are quite simple. I take usually his hand and neck and throw him down. Then I try to do armbar. Of cause I meet always counterarguments. But I insist with love and aducate. When I hear "Please, please, I understood, let me go, I give up" I change the position, take his foot and make footlock.

Dear parents, you should not follow my strategy. Be creative. Instead of using armbar you can use chockehold. I like it also.

This is my piece of advice to the parents. I have also advise for young people who will be fathers and mothers in the future. You could see American movies about spouses who decided to have children, they took the parenting classes and workshops to learn how to build the contact with the children, how to establish discipline, how to praise children and so on.

Dear future parents, don't waste your time and money on this stuff. Believe me. If you want to get the set of parenting skills, take judo, sambo, jiujitsu, wrestling classes. You don't need to be too professional in these sports. It is enough to learn only basic techniques. Remember, you have many years (at least fifteen) for polishing parenting skills.

All joking aside.  I did renovation in my apartment and hired two workers. They were the father and the son. They had to ruin the wall and build new one. It was a tough, dirty job. Young worker asked me about my job. I explained what I do as a lawyer. He said: "You are always clean and only turn the paper. I am always dirty and carry bricks all day long. I asked my father many times: why, why didn't you punish me for my laziness and unwillingness to study in the school? Did you really want to have me as your assistant for this hard and dirty job?"

Dear friends, I want you to understand me right. I don't put the question "to beat or not to beat the children?"  Children's development demands love and care. If you care about your children you wish they will be resilient adults. Children-flowers can not grow up and become resilient. What fruits will be after such flowers? We risk to get the generation of passive and unwilling to suffer a little people because we followed utopian idea that parenting is better without punishment. Who loves well, punishes well. Love your children.